A letter to Apple Computer Inc.

To whom it may concern* *and if that person weren't you in particular, please pass this along to the someone for which it may be of more concern.
I have, in the parlance of various genius bar attendees, an "old" computer. So old in fact, so archaic an incarnation of these articles of sleek perfection sold today, that it fell short, in a substantial regard, to the standards I'm sure I could expect from the the product line currently available on the market. Now, I haven't set out in an effort to chastise and berate Apple or anyone in particular, everyone who I have spoken with in an attempt to resolve this matter has been at least as eager to please me, perhaps even more so, than I am in setting this issue right -but at this moment, in light of all that has transpired, and in the midst of an obscene intimacy that I have all but willingly adopted with your customer service installation -I am tired, I am not impressed, and I don't care how it gets done, or who does it, it simply has to happen.
The very battery lodged in this brilliant information machine, I've been told is at some risk of bursting into flames. As the batteries sold in the store, are well outside the confines of what many consider mere trifling expense, in a neigboring field perhaps, grazing carelessly and justifying themselves, and since I myself did not design any batteries that catch on fire, nor do I happen to be qualified in managing such matters in the absence of outside intervention, as a technician might be, I would simply imagine, Apple has an interest in the issue.

Of course when at first I was told of this predilection, this tempermental and destructive decidedly unwelcomed spirit, within the battery, awaiting an opportunity to visit injury to it's vehicle and powerless provider of purpose, I was put off. So, I did some research, not much really, on my own precious watch, and awkwardly tumbled through the cryptic Apple website, which is not unlike an electronic equivalent of an ikea; where the emphasis of the design and priority is so shamelessly and obviously in it's purpose as a tool of broadcasting Apple's trumped up image as the savior and ascendant innovative front-runner of the technological world!

-sensation based, as opposed to information based) that if I were to follow a set of marginally convenient steps, I would have a new battery in the mail, within a relatively short period of time. After I had filled out online forms my period of agonizing time had elapsed, I withdrew from underneath my bed, released my unpredictable calculating machine from it's fireproof vault and I decided to give the situation the benefit of the doubt. That was at least 6 months ago, I don't know for sure, look it up if you must.
I have since made numerous phone calls to AppleCare or whatever it's called, have stopped in the store a couple of times and was informed in each and every case, that there would be no need to take further action in this matter, after all, it's only a battery, and the one in my computer today is a fire hazard, which should, I would think, be of particular concern to Apple and it's affiliates.
In addition, it may also be of some particular importance to its affiliates, that instead of simply providing an indefinite period of redemption for your recall, in the store, it is now a matter that must be conducted by mail only. Instead of adopting some simple method of documentation, as well as an itemized box full of faulty or otherwise hazardous products, at a local store, Apple would opt to subject its customers to an arduous and supremely inconvenient, evidently, flawed mail system.
And, Asa, what if your house burns down while Apple is sending you a special fireproof envelope to mail your old battery back to the processing plant? I'll tell you what: keep some batteries at the store, enact a policy that lets people exchange them, or anything else Apple makes that catches on fire. Anything that you made that catches on fire, should be accompanied by the non-catches on fire model in the store -every fire prone product, every store! and furthermore, it should be considered tacky, and bad form to have a bunch of teenagers called geniuses, turning people away when they want to exchange a battery with a predisposition to erupt in flames, for one that does not. Maybe, I can set my computer on fire, and see if I can't get a new computer out of this for my trouble. I have spent about 6-7 hours now dealing with this. That's more or less the entire value of this computer.
I dare say, the negligence, the extent to which Apple fails to address the concerns of it's most considerable clients, the bureaucratic fetters that have superfluously enmeshed what should, by all accounts, be a simple and straight-forward process. What nonessential nonsense. Send me a goddamed battery, he says! I don't care if someone from apple has to get in their car and drive it out here. I don't care if I have to meet you under a bridge at 4 in the morning! Just do it already. I'm not calling your miserable technical support, I'm not reading off anymore goddamned serial numbers. All the information is there in the computer. I've read it off at least 5 or 6 times. It's an Ibook G4, it was manufactured in 2005 and it's white, send me a black battery if you want! -whatever is going to makes this easier on you guys. Listen, my number is (510) #%^-(*&$, I live in Berkeley, CA and if I get a call from some guy with a battery of questions, I'm going to hang up on the guy, throw down my tools, walk off my job, get in my car, drive home, get on this fire prone computer, open up the only word processing program I've got and start raising hell. -Asa

sandcess

sorry i didn't get this out to you sooner, as soon as i'm done
with this, i'll be on the next available line terminating my personal
assistant for failing to send me out a reminder this morning. don't
worry too much, this is not an isolated incident.
last week she neglected to inform me that the insurance company
called to tell me one of my dog-food factories had burned down, taking with it the furniture shop adjacent. i had to find out
from the raging shop owner a full 3 hours after the fire department
had subdued what the shop owner characterized as a "hadean
inferno" to a "violent blaze.". needless to say, i've had it with
Tammy.
in an effort to enrich your life, if only in slight, i have
annexed this article of correspondence with some anecdotal guidance
for ridding yourself of slugs, which i'm sure you have in abundance at
your place of residence, in abundance, along with a write up
concerning this vice guide i can't shutup about. i thought i would
give someone else a shot at making an argument for it. take care, -Asa

letter to la finca chip mfr

Dear La Finca,
Your chips are fantastic, but I have a complaint. They break, before
they show up in my kitchen, they've already been smashed to bits in
the post/dist. process. Those guys don't care about breakage. How
about making these chips a little thicker? It wouldn't take much, just
enough to deter throwing half of the bag in the trash or feeding the
chip shards to the dog. It seems to me, that you might bring in some
more prestigious clients if you were to crank up the thickness on the
chip machine or i guess you could hire some supremely careful chip
handlers and invest in some "fragile/handle with extreme care" stamps.
Can I really be the only one who has brought this up? I'd really like
to keep buying your chips, and would be willing to pay a little extra,
for a few more fully formed, completely intact chips. -Asa
Thanks for your response CR,
I would eat them anyway but what would you do with a half bag of
broken chips? -Asa

letter to m (2,3)

Hey Miss Mina,
How the is everything?! F my birthday, it was a day not much unlike
the rest of the days. I think it fabulous you found yourself a job,
even if it is in media, the only thing I'll say is this: the day you
decide to lose your decency completely and sell your soul to the
keepers of corporate convenience, just remember that you're soul is
worth no less than a $50k per anum raise. And if you happen upon a
chance to sell it to the devil himself, tell him you'll do it for no
less than you're own TV channel, (not station), channel. In any event,
I hope you are doing well, and wish you luck in your new job,
seriously though, protect yourself. Start your very first day with the
intention of creating an atmosphere in which one day, no one will be
able to tell you shit, because you already know, you've done everyones
job, and you were 10 times as effective at it when you did it, which
will likely be the case. Don't be afraid to tell people when they
screw with you, in as few words as possible without being fired and
without telling them they are monsters, directly, but do tell them
indirectly. honesty is in short supply, it comes at a premium these
days, and most of the time people are afraid and confused by it, and
most often don't know what to do with it. Nowhere is this more true
than in the workplace. Get away with every snarky and insightful
comment you think you can. The people you want to respect you, will
protect you from those that want you canned, They're always in the
higher positions anyway. You're a sweet girl Mina, about to join the
ranks of insufferable burnout newsguys, crotchety alcoholic premodonna
news anchors, plasticine and saccharine and hardworking females that
hold everything together (they're your allies, everyone likes them so
they have to like you) and dispensable kids like you, set yourself
apart from your competition, do not befriend them, and if you must do
so only in secret, be sure and keep it a secret between you both,
laugh and smile so they don't hate you for you're superiority, even
tell them anecdotal. i have to go bb laterso let's see your tiger
face, rrrrr.! -Asa

Mina, hey
there's a movie about this stuff, i think would make a lot of sense
for you to see it, it's called: Network, based on a true story, in
which a women holds a very executive position in the news group. she's
a savvy remorseless badass, and she made me call my masculinity into
question a number of times in throughout the course of the film. It's
the one from which the line: I want you to go to your windows and get
outside and shout: I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it
anymore! originated. Also, check out: Outfoxed, it's great, in a
depressingly insightful sort of sense. blah blah bleh... anyhow... i want to know more, tell me more. i have some skype time, maybe i'll call you if you give me your number again.
i think i might have it but i'm not positive. what's the time
difference there, like 8 hours or something? i discovered pho,
i'm surfing again.. sometimes, max is still alive, and my life is
still pretty boring, i think i might buy a sailboat and start working
on it, while i take sailing lessons, save money and plan to spend the
next few years on a boat, sailing around the world, fishing, meeting
and visiting people, and surfing. my kids would be totally bored with
me as i am now, so i'd better get cracking and start creating some
interesting memories, or else. bought a new bike, it's gorgeous, but
not as gorgeous as you. -Asa