big book idea

The art of being miserable: How to lose friends, be a bad time and a scourge of the earth.

includes: doppelganger wikipedia software can be edited to say anything you want, “they must’ve just changed it.”

By Asa Isles

Be a stick in the mud. If you want success in your rigidity and frozen brand of malignant fortitude, you’re going to have to refuse to let things go. Remaining obstinate and generating an impenetrable forcefield of resolve inappropriately timed in middle of a casual social encounters can stun everyone into uneasiness and help you to establish the tone of the popular discomfort you can expect to be directed at you throughout the evening early on. Just remember when employing this manuever, the more arbitrary the object in question the less dissapointed you will be when you allow yourself to be overtaken when the group eventually teams up on your suggestion and harmoniously elects something less reasonable. That way, later in the evening, when you start to sense a lack of enthusiasm, you can quietly point out that you had even insisted upon your ideas, and this will tear open a rift of doubt between the tenuous bonds of couples friends and coworkers, and making for actual entertainment. Don’t feel bad for them clawing each others eyeballs out, that’s why they got together in the first place. You will likely be invited back to this group 1-3 more times if ever. If you elect to decline the offers, your likely to be met with heavy protest, disregard it and move on with your Friday night at home, take a run, play with your cat, play a prank on your neighbor, and finish off with a few glasses of wine and a book with a nice bath.

Practice wreckless acts of the socially unacceptable

Add insult to injury

Extreme driving -

Stop in traffic.

Develop effeminite/emmasculating gestures and offend the homophobic biases of aging people.

Taking the last piece – worse than wait a second then take it. If you wanted it, take it now or forget about anyone respecting your wishes. If someone else wants it, let it be a race, like everything else.

Adopt policies

Kill them with kindness. Hot rocks in the heads of your opponent.

Practice intolerance

Teach your kids to be afraid of everything

If kids or animals are upsetting you, go after their guardians like s pack of rabid scraggly banshees.

Setup vigilante sting operations ambush others -

Gesture wildly

If you’re a smoker, Smoke – the

Swear

Be heretical –

Comdemn Politics and Political theatre outright and in it’s entirety – you don’t stand anywhere on any issue because you’re so goddamed fed up with

Wear sunglesses whenever possible

Develop an encyclopedic cache of inappropriate subjects to draw upon and weave their fibers densely amongst the fabric of your indecent sensibily until their sanctity leaks. There’s no such thing as a bad time for being obscene. Remember, obscenity is an entirely subjective matter and as such of conjecture, you’ll want begin reading your audience well in advance. It shouldn’t be too difficult to pick out a few issues that might make your audience uneasy. Wear it well, it’s yours.

Become an authority on bad zombie movies

Poor excuses to get up and leave:

-something in the oven

-dog at home

-spare key in backdoor

-time –alone

-not enough sleep the night before

poor excuses to ask people to leave

-long phone call the relative 3-4 hours time difference away before it gets too late. Refer to time zone chart

-not enough sleep the night before

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Doctor data to suit your purposes

Lie lie and lie some more.