A letter to Apple Computer Inc.

To whom it may concern* *and if that person weren't you in particular, please pass this along to the someone for which it may be of more concern.
I have, in the parlance of various genius bar attendees, an "old" computer. So old in fact, so archaic an incarnation of these articles of sleek perfection sold today, that it fell short, in a substantial regard, to the standards I'm sure I could expect from the the product line currently available on the market. Now, I haven't set out in an effort to chastise and berate Apple or anyone in particular, everyone who I have spoken with in an attempt to resolve this matter has been at least as eager to please me, perhaps even more so, than I am in setting this issue right -but at this moment, in light of all that has transpired, and in the midst of an obscene intimacy that I have all but willingly adopted with your customer service installation -I am tired, I am not impressed, and I don't care how it gets done, or who does it, it simply has to happen.
The very battery lodged in this brilliant information machine, I've been told is at some risk of bursting into flames. As the batteries sold in the store, are well outside the confines of what many consider mere trifling expense, in a neigboring field perhaps, grazing carelessly and justifying themselves, and since I myself did not design any batteries that catch on fire, nor do I happen to be qualified in managing such matters in the absence of outside intervention, as a technician might be, I would simply imagine, Apple has an interest in the issue.

Of course when at first I was told of this predilection, this tempermental and destructive decidedly unwelcomed spirit, within the battery, awaiting an opportunity to visit injury to it's vehicle and powerless provider of purpose, I was put off. So, I did some research, not much really, on my own precious watch, and awkwardly tumbled through the cryptic Apple website, which is not unlike an electronic equivalent of an ikea; where the emphasis of the design and priority is so shamelessly and obviously in it's purpose as a tool of broadcasting Apple's trumped up image as the savior and ascendant innovative front-runner of the technological world!

-sensation based, as opposed to information based) that if I were to follow a set of marginally convenient steps, I would have a new battery in the mail, within a relatively short period of time. After I had filled out online forms my period of agonizing time had elapsed, I withdrew from underneath my bed, released my unpredictable calculating machine from it's fireproof vault and I decided to give the situation the benefit of the doubt. That was at least 6 months ago, I don't know for sure, look it up if you must.
I have since made numerous phone calls to AppleCare or whatever it's called, have stopped in the store a couple of times and was informed in each and every case, that there would be no need to take further action in this matter, after all, it's only a battery, and the one in my computer today is a fire hazard, which should, I would think, be of particular concern to Apple and it's affiliates.
In addition, it may also be of some particular importance to its affiliates, that instead of simply providing an indefinite period of redemption for your recall, in the store, it is now a matter that must be conducted by mail only. Instead of adopting some simple method of documentation, as well as an itemized box full of faulty or otherwise hazardous products, at a local store, Apple would opt to subject its customers to an arduous and supremely inconvenient, evidently, flawed mail system.
And, Asa, what if your house burns down while Apple is sending you a special fireproof envelope to mail your old battery back to the processing plant? I'll tell you what: keep some batteries at the store, enact a policy that lets people exchange them, or anything else Apple makes that catches on fire. Anything that you made that catches on fire, should be accompanied by the non-catches on fire model in the store -every fire prone product, every store! and furthermore, it should be considered tacky, and bad form to have a bunch of teenagers called geniuses, turning people away when they want to exchange a battery with a predisposition to erupt in flames, for one that does not. Maybe, I can set my computer on fire, and see if I can't get a new computer out of this for my trouble. I have spent about 6-7 hours now dealing with this. That's more or less the entire value of this computer.
I dare say, the negligence, the extent to which Apple fails to address the concerns of it's most considerable clients, the bureaucratic fetters that have superfluously enmeshed what should, by all accounts, be a simple and straight-forward process. What nonessential nonsense. Send me a goddamed battery, he says! I don't care if someone from apple has to get in their car and drive it out here. I don't care if I have to meet you under a bridge at 4 in the morning! Just do it already. I'm not calling your miserable technical support, I'm not reading off anymore goddamned serial numbers. All the information is there in the computer. I've read it off at least 5 or 6 times. It's an Ibook G4, it was manufactured in 2005 and it's white, send me a black battery if you want! -whatever is going to makes this easier on you guys. Listen, my number is (510) #%^-(*&$, I live in Berkeley, CA and if I get a call from some guy with a battery of questions, I'm going to hang up on the guy, throw down my tools, walk off my job, get in my car, drive home, get on this fire prone computer, open up the only word processing program I've got and start raising hell. -Asa